I like checking things off lists.

It could be a learned habit. My mother would usually do laundry while we watched movies as a family. Whenever I asked her to just sit and watch the movie with us, she would snap, “I’ll relax when it’s done.” She was the queen of multi-tasking. I have open three Safari tabs set to the NYtimes, Medium, and Facebook while I’m writing this, as well as my email client, Spotify playlist, imessages all open and I’m on hold with Chase to cancel my lost debit card. Taskmaster.

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The Mountain

Mount Agung — a volcano standing 3031 meters (9,944 feet), the highest point in Bali. Mount Agung — a 6 hour hike up to the summit (and 6 hours down), begun in the dead of midnight to see the sunrise at 6 AM. Mount Agony — a trail that went mercilessly straight up from the start. A trail of scrambling for purchase on pebbles and gravel, clawing hands into muddy embankments, hauling up lava rock on all fours.

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My dog is named Star. Star is the Magical Dog of All!

I participated in a sacred, heart-opening Cacao ceremony earlier this week in Bali. One may Google the details of what goes into a Cacao ceremony; this is a story about what I learned. It’s a story about feeling like a victim.

The ceremony began with that stereotypically ‘calm’ voiced Shaman inducing us to open ourselves to the divine Goddess, etc.…my New York cynicism was in full throttle. When I teach, my every aim is to not sound like I’m trying to fog up a window.

Incense burning in the low light, we were asked to set an intention. I wasn’t sure where to begin until an image of my mother floated into my head. I decided to go with that — I would intend to come to terms with her. She was my destination.

She is also dead.

How I met the Balian Medicine Man

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I visited my first Balian healer today.

I’d sought out mystical healers before. Kurt Hill, an energy worker and spiritual guide I used to regularly see in Chicago, once told me, “Life isn’t about how much you can take on; it’s about how much you can let go.” I think that he said that four years ago…still waiting for that train to roll into the brain station. I came to Kurt at my lowest point, a month after my mom died, after weeks of moving as fast as I could, working non-stop, bearing a feeling of melancholy but feeling no grief. I was numb, I was manic, and I was going insane.

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I am in Bali. I am in paradise. And not four days in, it has brought up a shitstorm of painful emotions up, right away.

People I’ve met here have told me Bali will kick your ass like this. It’s not just the whirlwind feeling of being a fish-out-of-water in a new country. There is something churning here under the surface.

I went to bed very early my first night in a gorgeous villa, draped in a mosquito net, thinking about whether I should leave. A massive storm raged around me, the sliding doors wide open (and yet no rain coming in at all… these villas are built for windows to always be open). Just the sounds alone of the pouring rain in the rice patties…this island may be the most special place I’ve ever been to. And part of my mind knows this, and the other half rages rages: Why can’t I slip into peaceful stream of this island.

When I began writing this note at 6 AM on my second day, while the sun was rising, I felt wrong — I should be meditating, should be quiet. But these thoughts intruded no matter how many times I tried to breathe them away...

Hello, world!

This is my first blog post in a quest to help make the world sparkle a bit more. I’m a performer, improviser, director, and teacher living in NYC. I go by 'Philip Sparkle' sometimes onstage! I wrote a one-man show called Sparkle Hour (my coming out story to become "Philip Sparkle!") and a follow-up Sparkle Death (about killing off "Philip Sparkle!"). I've been interviewing people I think exemplify their inner sparkle via a podcast I'm calling 'Sparkelcast!' I host a variety show every month called The Sparkle Zone...my instagram is @philipsparkle...you get it, it's a nightmare, but it's my branding at this point!  

And the thing I'm most proud of in my life is launching and being a part of the NY branch of the infamous Annoyance Theatre. As of today, I have stepped down from running the Annoyance NY to assume the full-time status of being funemployed and commit to being a full-time artist and teacher.  

Why did I step down? I think I’ll start by sharing a poem I wrote: